Dear Eddie | Six Months

Sweet Eddie Boy -

As I am writing this you are quickly approaching seven months old (it is May 6th). Life is just moving so fast these days - it has been hard to find the time to sit down and get these thoughts out of my head and onto the page. You, your daddy and I are in the car right now, driving down to your Grandma and Grandpa's in Illinois for your Great Great Aunt Rosemary's 89th birthday party! You have never met her before, and you are going to meet some of my aunts and uncles for the first time today as well. They are not going to believe how big and strong and fun you are!

 The sweet little face that greets me after a good nap.

 You are such a big boy! You play with toys now!

Bundled up for one of our evening walks.

I will keep this letter a little shorter this month since your next one is coming so soon and I am having a hard time separating the past two months, but I have to pay some tribute to the fact that you are now half of a year old! I say it every time (probably every day) - but this time is going too fast. Everywhere we go, mothers with older children, grandfathers, strangers - tell me to enjoy every moment with you because it goes so fast. And they mean it - you can tell by the tone in their voice - they feel the passing of time differently than others without children. I really get it now, on a level I simply couldn't understand before you came. For some reason, your child getting bigger fractures the heart a bit. Maybe it's growing pains, and the resulting cracks make our capacity to love you get bigger as you do. Our love for you is so large, so wrapped up and tangled around every part of who we are as people, as parents, what we do with our time, how we think now. It's wonderful and immense and heart-wrenching and so, so sweet.

Mmmmm....you're a big fan of pretty much any food.

I just want to record a few of the developmental things that stand out this month. A major one is that you have been practicing lots of sitting up - and I almost trust your skills enough to leave you sitting unassisted, although not quite - sometimes you get excited and topple forwards or back, so we still need blankets and pillows around you just in case. You've also been saying lots of "dadadadada's", and a few "mamamama's" (although what the heck - the mamama's happen only when you are frustrated?!) I've been enjoying making, and you've been enjoying eating, lots of new foods: sweet potatoes, pears, bananas, mangoes, barley cereal - all of which you love. You've become this soft, doughy little person in the cutest way imaginable. Your wrists look like they have rubber bands wrapped around them, and I believe there are three rolls on each thigh. You are kissable and squeezable and we are eating up this gushy time. You got your "first kiss" this month from little Miss Ava Nowak - it was very precious, and made her mama and I tear up a little. We are all crossing our fingers that you two fall madly in love some day - but no pressure.  ;)

Getting my daily dose of baby snuggles.

Another big thing this month has been your nighttime routine. You've been pretty high maintenance - maybe your daddy and I have encouraged this - at times it's a little trying but we've come to the conclusion that while we have the time, energy, and patience - we will make the extra effort and send you off to sleep happily and peacefully. Your subsequent siblings may not be so lucky....You prefer to be shushed and bounced - sometimes for what seems like forever - and no more rocking! You still love singing and there is one magical song..."Mary's Song" by Taylor Swift. I bet you'll be embarrassed someday to hear that - but we start singing the first few words and you are instantly attentive and quiet. I put it on in the car, bust it out in the middle of the night during diaper changes - you name it. The effectiveness has only just now started to wear off after a good solid month of usage - I'm going to have to find a new song soon, but for now - you love it. Your papa has even learned how to play it on the guitar, and he plays you that - and lots of other songs, many nights before bedtime. Those are some of our most treasured moments of the day. (Although sometimes it also drags out bedtime - because you want to be able to watch and listen to your daddy play.)

Well sweet boy - I'll sign off for now. Let me just finish by saying that six months old is a dream. It's so much fun - all smiles and cuddles and giggles and very, very rewarding. I'm afraid we might give you a complex by how many times we look at each other and say "he is the coolest guy". But - you are the coolest - thanks for all of the joy you bring to our little home.

Love,
Mama

Dear Eddie | Five Months

My Sweet Boy -
You are five months old! Actually, as I'm writing this (late as usual) - you are five and a half months old. Your picture will be the same - sorry about that. I don't even know where to begin - it seems you are growing and changing in leaps and bounds. Whenever anyone meets you - they comment on how alert you are for five months, how strong you are, and how vocal. The development of a baby in these first months of life is truly miraculous to observe - no wonder you little people sleep so much!

In the past weeks, you seem so much more like a baby boy than an infant, if that makes sense. You've mastered rolling over from your back to your tummy, and we now find you sleeping soundly on your belly in the night. (And in case you were wondering, this has really helped reduce your crazy gas!) You enjoy spending time this way during the day too, and wiggle and kick and squirm for your toys and reach out for the dogs, who are your new favorite form of entertainment. You also spit up less these days, though you still catch us unprepared from time to time, usually right over my shoulder into my hair or on your daddy's arm just before he leaves for work in the morning. Impeccable timing. :) You can't quite sit on your own yet, but you do sort of "tripod", although I still keep a close eye on you because you are a bit top-heavy.

You've turned into quite the little observer - you love to watch things and see how they work. Wind chimes, bubbles, mirrors, opening and closing doors and cabinets. Your daddy and I try to include you in all sorts of things to help you learn. You want to hold and grab things, and put everything in your mouth. You love looking at the television, computer screens - our phones. Your big bright eyes take it all in, and I can practically see those wheels turning in your growing mind.

Quick recap on food and sleep: We dropped the rice cereal (even though you loved it) and this month you were back to milk only. It made you wake up in the night screaming because your gas hurt so bad. I couldn't stand it - not worth it! I bought some barley cereal which I heard is a little better but have yet to try it. I'm thinking of skipping the grains and going straight to making you some fruits and veggies. So far you are still growing and gaining weight so it's not really a concern. As far as sleep goes - you can't seem to get past these 45 minute stretches of nap, unless you're riding in the car or possibly in your swing. You wake up bright eyed and bushy-tailed, talking to yourself and your animals in the crib - but get tired again really soon after. I'd love for you to sleep for a good hour and a half to two hours in the am and pm, but I guess I don't always get my way. I already devote way too much time and energy obsessing about your sleep - your daddy is trying to get me to give up some control and let you sleep when you want. Sigh. At night, not much has changed since last month. You usually go to bed by around 7pm, get up once around 1 or 2 to eat and go right back to sleep. Then you might wake up once more in the wee hours, and sometimes we can shush you back to sleep but others I just feed you again, and you're up for the day around 6 or 7. I keep hearing about these mysterious babies who sleep through the night at 8 weeks old - I guess you just miss me so much you want to hang out every few hours! :)

This past month we had unseasonably warm weather, and it made me realize how cooped up we've been in the house (and how much fun we have ahead of us this spring and summer!) We've been taking walks every night when your daddy gets home, with Ralph and Milo. Your daddy puts you in the baby bjorn and you kick and yap and are just generally a happy camper. You and I have gone for lots of early morning runs in the jogging stroller, spent time outside in the yard on a blanket, and you finally get to hang out with no pants on! I love that those chunky little legs can finally come out and play. Your daddy turned 30 on the 19th, and we went and got a Burley to attach to our bikes, and you went for your first bike ride (to the park, where you went in your first swing!) Lots of firsts these days!

Your papa and I find ourselves continually saying how fast this is all going. If only we could slow down time - stretch it out and keep you small for a bit longer. At the same time, it's such a joy to watch you grow and change. I can only imagine how fun it will be as you start talking, walking, asking questions, showing us who you are in new ways.

Lastly - I just have to say a few words about how truly beautiful you are. Everyone says it. You definitely look like a boy, they say - but a beautiful boy. You've got the softest, smoothest skin and the roundest little cheeks that are usually just a touch rosy. Your eyes are bright and aware, framed by these incredibly long and dark lashes (lucky!) Your hair is soft and lighter than when you were first born - you're like a downy, baby duck. Your smile is huge and so rewarding - it lights up your whole face and is worth every crazy effort we make to earn one. Your little body is so precious - from your shoulders to your pudgy wrists to your sweet belly and chunky legs, to the feet you've learned to grab and the toes you pop in your mouth. I love every inch of you and kiss you all up on a very regular basis. Thank you for being so sweet, such a joy - such an indescribable addition into our world. I love you Eddie Bear - happy five months old!

Love,
Mama

Dear Eddie | Four Months

Dear Eddie,

Four months. Wait - four months?!! How did this happen - a third of a year! Oh my. As I'm typing this post, you are across from me, on a sheepskin draped over our big blue ottoman, playing with your wooden ikea toy. You are sucking your thumb with one hand (your left), and grabbing and pulling on the dangling pieces of the toy with your other. Every once in a while you let out a squeal or squawk, or gag yourself a little with your thumb (Silly. Don't do that!) Your hair that started falling out has begun to grow back. Your hands are becoming more dexterous and starting to listen to you when you tell them what to do. Your chunky, roly-poly legs reveal your excitement in their jerky kicks. You express excitement, distaste, frustration and pure glee in your parakeet-like noises. Your eyebrows raise when you are paying attention to things, and you grunt and squeal when you like something. You are an absolute joy, and your daddy and I find watching you and playing with you to be endlessly entertaining. (We often feel bad for our subsequent children - how will we ever pay this much attention to them, or revel in the newness of all they do? Is it even possible?)

I've taken to jotting down notes on the calendar about your behaviors, so I can better recall the whats and whens. Throughout this fourth month, I have things like: crappy sleep, making b sounds, some real laughs started, still liking swaddling and warmed up bed at night, and getting close to rolling over - uh oh! You've gained so much awareness this month - we adore experiencing the different facets of your personality as they are revealed. You greet us with enormous smiles when you wake up (assuming your nap is actually over - you have a hard time napping beyond 45 minutes without some evasive maneuvers on my part). You watch us as we come and go in a room. You express delight at the things you like, and discontent at the things you don't. But now, you can be talked out of it if we try hard enough! It's wonderful being able to reason at least a little bit with you.

You've been going to your Nana GiGi's for a whole month now, twice a week. You seem to truly love her, and I know she eats up her time with you! I am still hoping it doesn't become too difficult for her to watch you, but so far so good. You come back exhausted and take really good naps on the days following her days with you - so you must be getting lots of good play time together! I've walked into her house and she's had you sitting at the piano with her, batting at the keys, singing songs as she walks you throughout the rooms, and letting you gaze adoringly at what she now refers to as "Eddie's clock". It allows me to go spend some time in the working world - with people I love and admire. I feel rejuvenated after a day of work (although tired!) and more aware of how precious the next days I get to spend with you are.

A new technique - "sandwich sleeping" :)

As far as sleep goes, it's really erratic still. If I dwell on this, I get frustrated - it's better when I just don't try to anticipate how a night will go. In general, you go to sleep so easily (thank you!) around 7pm each night, and stay asleep for anywhere from 5-7 hours. After that it's still spotty, but I'm working now at shushing you back to sleep instead of picking you up or feeding you every time. And daytime sleep is also unpredictable. The days you are with your Nana you never sleep more than 45 minutes at a time. I can get you to nap for a few hours at least once a day by either keeping you in your swing or running errands (you snooze like a champ in your carseat still), with a couple catnaps to round out the day. I'm working now on keeping your room dark and warm during naps and giving you some time to protest and try to soothe yourself back to sleep. Today is day one and it worked - so we'll see if we can keep it up! Your papa and I are also on our second type of medication for your reflux, which I believe is helping you lots, and we've introduced a little rice cereal twice a day - which you gobble up. You're hilarious with a spoon, by the way. :) These both seem to keep you more comfortable while sleeping in longer segments.

In terms of milestones, I believe you are right on track - you grab and hold things, engage with us and smile lots, can sit up if assisted by pillows or blankets, and love to bounce in your jumper. Lots of people say you seem very alert and active for your age, and everybody agrees that you are super vocal. It's become a game to get you talking - your Grandma Kathy and Grandpa John are really good at this. You respond strongly to music - both vocal and instrumental. This makes me proud. I hope you become a musician like your daddy!

Well, this post has probably gone on long enough, and I have to get you ready for your four month checkup today. I thank God for you, and your health and happiness my sweet boy - I love being your mama. I love all the ways it has changed me - how I am and the ways I spend my days - the thoughts that occupy my mind, and the work of my hands. Tooter - you are such a gift to your daddy and I, and we look forward to living in this next month with you!

Love,
Mama

Home. Office.

With the addition of our son to the family, some changes regarding my work situation have occurred. The biggest is that I am primarily working outside of a professional office - local coffee houses, cafes, and a spare bedroom in our house are my new workplace. It's a work in progress, but I jumped at the opportunity to do a feminine (pink!) office. I wanted to create a space that is vintage/glam inspired, warm, peaceful, and where I feel like I am stepping away from the rest of my house in a way - that will hopefully trigger the creative bones in my body.

I picked "Gypsy Moth" by Martha Stewart for the paint color - it's sort of a peachy pink tint to an almost white color, and it's light and airy - I love it. The walls in this old farmhouse throw lots of shadows that create a challenge for the smallness of the rooms, so we've learned that lighter colors help prevent the rooms from feeling like they are caving in around us. And I confess, I partly picked the paint based on the name. Does everyone do this, or just me? I enlisted my husband to help me tackle this job, who has now earned the title "Mean Painter". Remind me to do this myself next time! A couple beers into the project he was in better spirits - thank goodness!

I promise it doesn't look this much like a band-aid.

Almost everything else was repurposed from other places in our house. Here are a few of my inspiration photos:

I have this desk and poster - and I love the addition of tan to the pink and white color scheme.

Love the oriental rug, and again - pink and tan. I also like the introduction of the soft blue, which the rug I bought has.

Our walls are similarly angled, so I think an inspiration wall like this - behind my monitor - would be awesome.

Pink and tan again, with bolder pops of blue...makes it a little funkier/more modern.

I still have a little ways to go but I'm having fun figuring out what to hang on the walls and how to generally spruce it up! I will keep you posted!

Dear Eddie | Three Months

Sweet Boy - you are 3 months old today! I can hardly believe the changes that have occurred in the last month. You have become so strong, and so social. When I hold up rattles or dangle anything in front of you, you get very excited and start jerking your little limbs around, and making little snorty noises. You've been enjoying putting everything in your mouth too - a favorite is knuckles! You also love to talk and make lots of noises - you've become very vocal! I absolutely love it and your dad and I do all we can to get you talking. (Perhaps we will regret this when we can't get you to stop talking, but for now it's lots of fun.) Your little voice sounds like a cartoon and you have so much expression in the sounds you make! The pediatrician said this next period - 3 to 6 months - is when things start to get really fun (he is right!)

Eddie the Knuckle Biter

Speaking of 3 to 6 months - I had to retire most of your newborn clothes. I was chatting with someone the other day, and I said that having a baby makes me simultaneously mourn and rejoice in each new day. I get so sad that you are getting bigger and aren't a precious little newborn anymore, but I have great joy that we are getting to know who you are as you develop! I never understood people being sad their children weren't small anymore, until we had you - now I do. But your dad reminded me to just be happy and remember that every day you get bigger it means you are growing strong and healthy, and for that I am grateful. But it was still sad to put away some of those tiny little outfits - definitely tugs at my heartstrings. One part of you that is still very small is your thumbs -oh do they do me in! You are getting some chunk on you, and your little thighs and wrists look like they have rubberbands stretched around them. But the pudgy little thumbs are the very best part. They are so mini!

Naked baby!

You are sleeping really well these days. Your bedtime has shifted to around 7 pm (usually), and you usually sleep for a good 5 or 6 hours for your first stretch. I love that 1 or 2 am feeding and don't mind it at all - in fact I will be sad when you outgrow it, it's such a sweet and precious quiet time with you. You are still waking up a few short hours after that, but now I just pull you in the bed to feed you and don't try to fuss with getting you back to sleep in your own bed. Your dad and I love to snuggle you and you sleep better and longer that way. Hopefully we won't regret this down the road!

Another new development this month is that we think you might have a food sensitivity to dairy. Your poops were starting to turn green and look like guacamole (yep - you get all the gory details!) but as soon as I trimmed out the dairy, they went back to normal. It could just be a coincidence but that might also have something to do with why you've always been so gassy. I'm going to keep it up for a little while and see how you respond. I hope you understand how much I love you by giving up cheese - this is very difficult! Remember, we live in Wisconsin... :)

I also went back to "work" as of this week. I'm working either at coffee shops or out of my newly decorated home office two days a week. Your Nana GiGi will be watching you. The only people in the world other than your papa and I that I would trust with you on a regular basis are my parents and your dad's mom, so it helps to be leaving you in her care. It's still hard though - up until this point it's been my full-time job to care for you - to feed and nurture you, figure out your schedule, love you up, and play and snuggle! I was so anxious about it on Sunday night, but realized I had to just give up some control and let your Nana figure it out for herself. After all, she raised my husband - the man I married! So she must have some idea what she's doing... Yesterday when it was a day off, I barely put you down. We cuddled and napped together and I smothered you with kisses all day. It made me realize what a sacrifice your papa makes every day when he goes off to work in order to provide for our family. Some nights he gets home and you are so sleepy, he only gets an hour with you. I know it is very difficult for him and he feels like he is really missing out. I suppose it's just a different way to take care of you, but equally as important as the way I care for you. We are still working on a plan that incorporates more flexibility in our lives so we can all spend less time apart - more time as a family. I'll keep you posted on that!

Hanging in one of your favorite places - your daddy's arms.

Sweet Eddie Boy - I love you more than I can say in words. My eyes sting with tears whenever I think about it, whenever you give me a big gummy smile, whenever I sing you a song, whenever you sleepily snuggle into my neck in the night. You are your dad's and my greatest joy. I can't wait to see what this next month brings!


Love,
Mama

Dear Eddie | Two Months

Eddie, two months.

To My Sweet Boy -
Technically, you are two and a half months now. (I blame the craziness of our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together for the delay in your monthly letter!) You are snoring away next to me (really sawing wood!) in your bouncy seat - it slays me when you snore - it's so loud and adorable!

It's been a whirlwind of a month. We had Thanksgiving, my 30th birthday, Christmas – and New Year's is coming up. You had your first sleepover (at my mom and dad's in Illinois), your first couple of road-trips (also Illinois, and Door County!), your first trip up to Washington Island, and your first set of holidays! You took your first bottle, upgraded from your bassinet to the bigger part of your pack'n play, and had your first sickness (a really fun stomach bug that we're still trying to kick). I can hardly believe how you've grown in these last weeks. At your two month checkup you were 90th percentile for height, and 50th for weight, so you are long and lean, just like your dad. You have the sweetest disposition - I don't know how we got so lucky! You are one laid back little fella, and everybody adores you, most of all your papa and I.

Picking out your first Christmas tree!

Your papa giving you your first bottle.

(Note: Had to set this down and come back to it.) Now it's NY Eve, and your papa and I are snuggling you on the sofa. It's 9:12 - you are still up, you party animal, but you are just about to fall asleep. We have a little "bedtime routine" we've been trying to make a habit the last few weeks. If it's a day for you to need a bath, your dad takes you in the shower with him - which you seem to really enjoy. It makes you very calm and sleepy. I heat up the corn sack and place it on your changing table, over the towel and also your pjs. When he's all finished with you, I bring the warm towel in the bathroom and bundle you up. I stay in there where it's steamy and put lotion on your silky skin. It's more for the smell than the moisturizer, at this point in your life! It's scented to be calming and help you sleep. Then we go put on your warm jammies, and you dad meets me in your room, where we read you a story or two, sing you a couple songs, and say our prayers with you. Usually by then you are pretty much out, and into bed you go! Your sleep has improved in the last month, although it's not consistent yet. Around 7 weeks, you started increasing into 4 and 5 hour stints in the night, which felt like a million bucks to me! I remember the first night you slept four hours straight - I felt like a new woman when you woke up at around midnight to eat. Ha! Now I'm greedy and expect more from you :) The night before your two-month checkup, you slept for SEVEN hours straight - from 8 til 3am! Holy smokes - I woke your dad up at point just to tell him that you were still sleeping. I couldn't go back to sleep because I kept waiting to see how much longer you'd go - a little counter-intuitive, I know. You've done a few other nights similar to that, but we've been traveling a lot this month and very busy, so it seems like it's been a little difficult to keep you in any type of pattern. Usually you go down around 8ish, sleep til anywhere from 12:30-2:30, then wake up again around 5, and then I pull you in the bed and we all go back to sleep, snuggling until your dad gets up to leave, and then whenever you wake up (usually anywhere from 6:30-9:30, depending on the night). I know this is a lot of boring detail for you - I'm mostly recording it for my own memory! I think whenever you have a little baby brother or sister, I will enjoy referencing your sleep patterns to remind me how things change and develop.

You and Milo, sporking like champs.

Speaking of sleeping, your first road trip down to your grandma and grandpa's in Illinois, you slept the whole way (thanks!) You were loved up while we were there - your Uncle Timmy and Uncle Jeff are so sweet to you, and my mom and dad love you to pieces. They are natural grandparents! It was Thanksgiving weekend. We spent the actual day of with your Nana GiGi and Dwayne, then headed out of town. A whole bunch of Illinois family and friends stopped by throughout the weekend to meet you. My Aunt Shari gave us a scare - she called a few days later to say she was afraid she might have whooping cough, and could've exposed you. Since you weren't vaccinated yet, your dad and I were so scared. I took your temperature 3 times a day for 10 days just to be sure you were okay. Everything obviously turned out fine, but it made us realize how we had already started to take your good health for granted.

We also took a long road trip up to Washington Island to celebrate my 30th birthday - it was so special. All of your uncles and your auntie were there, and your Grandma Kathy and Grandpa John. We loaded the three of us, Ralph, Milo, Mikey and Lauren into our little x3 - and spent two nights at the cabin. It's for sale now which makes us very sad, but it was neat to be there all together, celebrating with you. It brought back lots of memories for your dad and I about the October we spent a week there, and decided we were ready to start trying for a baby. We had fun with everybody this time as well, eating and laughing and playing cards, shooting clay pigeons and drinking lots of coffee. You pooped ALL over your grandpa - your first explosive poop! He went straight into the shower. Ha!

Celebrating with a birthday coffee and the family at the Red Cup on Washington Island.

Christmas with you was wonderful as well - we spent more time in Illinois, as well as here in town with your Nana GiGi and Dwayne. You were spoiled with lots of holding, snuggles, kisses, toys, and a giant stuffed giraffe from your dad's Aunt Debbie and Uncle Todd, who are enamored with you. I will never forget waking up at my mom and dad's for your middle of the night feeding, and bringing you downstairs to nurse you by the Christmas tree. I still just love to gaze at you while you are eating, touch your face and neck and hands, and listen to your sweet sounds. I told you all about what Christmas means, how we celebrate Jesus' birth, and just tried to memorize the moment.

Merry Christmas, sweet boy!

And now, we are about to ring in the new year - 2012. Your dad and I are so grateful for all of the amazing blessings the past year has brought - one filled with such joy and happiness, some trials and lots of laughter. You are the best possible gift to us, sweet Eddie. We love you more than words could ever say - as your papa put it tonight, you make our home come alive. You are turning more and more into a little person - your expressions, your "talking" and sounds, your gestures. We love watching you grow and develop. I am looking forward to all of the new adventures we have in front of us as a new little family this next year!

Love,
Mama

The Little Things...

I've been working in little spurts to prepare our home for the holidays - something about having a child this year has sparked a feverish excitement for all things Christmas. Of course, being on maternity leave leaves me with just a little extra time on my hands to step things up a notch. I'm not a big seasonal decorator, but this year it was fun. I've got the tree done, pine cones hanging from the windows, sheepskins thrown about, stockings hung by the (balcony) with care, you get the point. I know Eddie isn't going to remember any of this, but it is still important to me. My parent's house is always decorated to the nines for Christmas, and it adds a whole extra element of joy and warmth to the season. My mom really goes all out, and her joy is infectious - I hope to pass that on to my children.

Another thing I've been thinking a lot about is that Jesus came to Earth as a baby. I mean, of course I've always known that but spending all this time with a little one really drives home the meaning of that. GOD became one of the most vulnerable of creatures, to demonstrate for us how to live, from the very start. I look at my tiny little son, and can't imagine a baby being born, to die. And also, the humility of coming down as creator of the world, to become a human baby. A burping, gassy, needy (snuggly, sweet, cooing) little baby. That blows my mind in a whole new way now.


Speaking of burpy, gassy, needy little baby boys, I wanted to take a minute and just record, if for no other reason than for myself, some of the little things I most love about my sweet Eddie at this age. First thing's first - he's started smiling! It happens usually in a window of time after he's eaten - when he's most content and happy, but if you work you can earn one at other times. But it's the sweetest little gummy grin - it lights up his whole face, and he sticks his little tongue out while he's smiling and makes these gurgling, hiccupy noises. My heart melts a little every time. During our days together, I truly live from smile to smile. Also, the noises he makes in general. When he's peacefully sleeping, every exhale carries a little sound out with it. When he's deeply sleeping, he often snores - quite loudly. Right as he's falling asleep, usually when in my arms, he does a little smile and giggle, which then changes to a little frown and half cry. I can't help but wonder what's in his mind right then? I always know after that he's going to probably stay asleep.


I've also been really trying to soak up all of the middle of the night moments we share. I know, despite how tired I am and how I'm constantly adding up the minutes to see how much longer he sleeps from day to day, that I'm going to miss these times. It's precious and it's ours. I know of course he can take a bottle if necessary, but it makes me feel that he just truly needs me, and I'm the only one who can really take care of him, know what he wants, know his signals, and give him what he most requires. (Not to take any credit away from Chris, who of course could do any of these things magnificently) - it's just that I am the one who does it, and it feels good to take care of my sweet boy in this way. Of course, when it exceeds an hour or so of awake time at 3am, I'm more than happy to wake up his papa for a little help. But I love how warm and soft he is in the night, how he's quicker to fold up into that newborn-like cuddle, to bury his head into my neck or chest. How his little hands move when he's eating - they sort of stroke my chest or neck, or grab onto the edge of my shirt, or slip under the strap of my tank top. I just hold his head in my hand, stroke his hair, kiss his neck and face. I love him so much more even, every day. Even as I read these words back to myself, I realize they don't capture it - they lack the warmth, the emotion, the deep, heartbreaking love that accompanies holding, feeding, rocking, my child.

And one other thing - I love seeing Chris with Eddie. How he is so calming to him - how he just wants to hold and snuggle him, and talk to him and teach and show him things. What more could I possibly want as a wife and mother? To see how he loves our son makes me love him even more, which is the best of feelings. It feels so complete to be together, the three of us, and all day I feel like a part of me is gone when Chris is at work, like we are just waiting for him to come back home and put the last piece back in the puzzle.


So, these are observations - snippets of the little things. I know many of them are going to fade but I so wish I could memorize it all. I think that's part of the reason people have more babies! There is really nothing else like it, nothing else.