I want to take a little time each month to write a note to our son - as much for me as for him. I'd like it to be a place where I can record all the new things we've been doing and learning, and what our life has become. So I think this blog might evolve into more of a record of our family than just our house. But I'll leave the title, for now. Here goes:To my sweet Eddie on your one month birthday -
(Your dad thinks you were one month old two days ago, when it was exactly four weeks since your birth, but I've convinced him to go by the date or it will just get to be insanity). How can it be that you've been here a month? I am sitting in the Bertoia chair in our bedroom, typing this entry while you are sleepily snoozing next to me in your bouncy chair. You will probably wake up in a few short minutes, because you have a knack for waking up right when I get settled into something, but that's ok. It's a happy interruption. I can't begin to tell you how much I love you, how much I loved you immediately. I marvel at you. I wasn't sure if I was going to feel that immediate love that everyone tells you to expect upon the birth of a child, but I did. It was different than I thought - like meeting a stranger that you somehow feel like you've known for a long time. I didn't understand you or know you by any means, but I did love you. A lot of the details of your birth, while clear in my memory, have faded except for the moment that you were fully born and all I wanted was for your papa and I to see you, and hold you. And when I did I was in complete amazement that you were the creature living inside me for the past 9 months. How could that be, and what a miracle! A human life began inside me, and suddenly there you were - a whole new person in the world. God is an amazing and mind-blowingly creative designer. I held you with I'm sure a stunned look on my face, and just stared from you to your father in awe. The nurses encouraged me to try to feed you right away, so I did - and you nursed! Another thing I wasn't sure about beforehand, but right away I knew what a precious gift it is to be able to feed one's child.
I'll skip the rest of the birth story for it's own telling, but those first days in the hospital with you, your papa and I were overwhelmed - full of love and intensity and amazement and nearly every other emotion I can name. We cried, we laughed, we stared, we listened, we snuggled, we learned. Now I know that I will continue to be learning about you every moment you are with us for as long as God has in store. The first night you stayed in our room the whole time - I was trying my best to teach both you and I how to nurse, and your dad and I couldn't bear the thought of you sleeping all the way in the nursery without us your first night in the world. You were so sleepy those first days and nights, and certainly didn't cry much. The second night the nurses wanted to take you to the nursery for your hearing test, so we said you could stay there until you woke up to nurse, and then we wanted you back with us the rest of the night. After you came back in and got settled with us, you fell back to sleep. I tried to fall asleep as well, but before too long I had scooped your little burrito wrapped body up out of the cradle and held you in front of me, and I just cried. I don't normally cry tears of happiness - I tend to stick to laughter - your papa is the one who cries for joy. But that night, in the dark hospital room, holding your warm, sleeping body, there was no other response. I love your dad so much, and between he and I (and God) - we made you! And here you are now, and I just couldn't believe it. I promised to love you as best as I know how, and to pray for you always, and to do my best as your mother in protecting you and taking care of you and teaching you things. I will never forget that moment, it is forever etched in my mind - I have tears in my eyes now just thinking about how it felt.
(Sidenote: This departs from the emotional meanderings from above but you just completely startled yourself in your sleep with a huge fart. Man are you a gassy one!)And now, reflecting on the past month with you, I can't believe how different life is. Your papa and I have to keep remembering that we are not on our own agenda or schedule anymore - there is no routine with a newborn. Sometimes we try to do things like we used to - just have an ordinary weeknight with dinner, some catching up, a little tv - but it just doesn't go as planned. It's challenging, but then there are these times - these snapshots of our new life that are just the sweetest. Like the few Saturday mornings we've had - coffee in bed, snuggling you, mounds of blankets and pillows and cuddling and staring at you. Or seeing you fall asleep on your papa's chest, cuddled in under his chin and snoring away. Or gazing down at you while you are nursing - that is my favorite of all. I'm trying to take in every moment of that - I trace the curves of your face, just trying to memorize you at this tiny age. I stroke your sweet little head, with all that hair. I rub your back and your sweet legs and feet, I pat your butt. I think about all of the different parts of you and systems within you that were formed inside of me and just marvel. I listen to the sweet sounds you make while you are eating, I smell your face. I love the little folds in your neck and I kiss them every chance I get. You will never, ever be hungry for affection in this house.
I notice that your eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to become more visible, and I try to memorize the way your little nose turns up, and how your sweet little lips pout and purse. Oh my goodness could I go on forever. My friends with children say that they can't remember their babies ever being so little, so new - I don't want to feel that way ever. I want to take it all in and store it in my heart, knowing that I enjoyed every moment of you like this, when our family was new.
Eddie - you are a precious and joyful gift. I love you and your papa with my whole heart, and are so glad you are the son God gave us. You bring a new kind of happiness and fullness to our lives. You are challenging as well, but we are doing our best to figure you out! It's a whole new kind of learning, and it takes time and patience. Every day is different, and every day you change a little bit, but in general - you are a very content and sweet boy. You love to be held, you love when your papa sings to you (usually James Taylor), you love to sleep with or near to us. You don't mind our barking dogs. You don't cry much- only when you need something, but then - you certainly let us know. You are not a big fan of getting your diaper changed, baths, or your carseat - at least not yet. You are impressively gassy. You have impeccable timing for waking up just as we are about to sit down and eat a meal. You bring joy to everyone who has met you. Your grandparents are madly in love with you and will do nearly anything for a chance to hold you, rock you to sleep, and care for you. Having you has also made me appreciate and value my parents and your papa's mama in a whole new way.
Well, it seems you are stirring - and this has gone on long enough for now. I am going to snatch you out of your little seat and smother you with kisses and cuddles in honor of your one month birthday. A big part of me wants you to not get a moment older, but another part of me can't wait for the days and years ahead - of getting to know you more and see what kind of little person you will become. (And to determine which of us you look like - I think your dad!)
I love you my sweet tooter - happy one month birthday.Your Mama
